Dear Baby Gossett

To our sweet baby,

Today is the day you should have come into our world. Though if you’re anything like your mom, you would probably be a little late. A fashionable entrance I like to call it.

I’ve had a long time to think about what to say to you. I’ve started many sentences, just to mentally delete them.

I’m still not sure what to say, except that I love you. I know your dad loves you and we think about you often. We will never forget you and you will stay with us always. I had so many plans for us. I know we’ll be together one day, even if it’s much later than I would like. Our next journey together will be different since I can no longer carry you, but I will love you the same and wait with even more anticipation to see you.

I can’t believe it’s been 37 weeks since I first learned about you. 37 weeks sounds like a short amount of time, but in actuality it feels like years. I can still remember seeing the first test, then the second. Calling your auntie Jess in disbelief. Telling your dad as soon as he walked in for lunch and his shocked reaction. The look on your halmonie and halahbuji’s faces when they read the card. The joyful exclamations from both your grandparents when we FaceTimed them.

In the short time you were with us, you have brought so much joy and happiness. We thank you for everything you’ve given us and we love you so much. You’ll be with us forever, and we can’t wait to meet you one day.

Love,

Your Parents

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Radiation Treatment: Check!

You can mark radiation as completed! On my list of “Things I never imagined I would have to do”, radiation and chemotherapy have both been checked off. This week I completed two rounds of brachytherapy.

Brachytherapy, for those of you lucky enough to not be in the know, is a type of radiation in which a plastic tube called a dilator is inserted vaginally and the radiation comes from a source, and specifically targets a certain area, in my case, the apex of the vagina. The dilator looks like a church altar candle, and is closed on the end that is inserted, but has an opening on the other side that the source is fed into through a wire. You awkwardly lay on a gurney while they insert the dilator and make sure that the angle is correct, and hold it in place with an intense looking metal device. The device reminded me of the Black Widow scene in the Avengers when she’s being sterilized, guess it’s a good thing that doesn’t effect me anymore! They then take a CAT scan to ensure everything looks good, then moved me to a room that the source is held in.

What is the source you ask? That’s a great question. I am not 100% sure, but I know it’s held in a radiation specific box, that’s not that big, and just hangs out in a room by itself. It goes through a wire that gets fed through the dilator. It’s not painful, but you definitely feel a weird thump during it. Well, it is painful, because there is a lot of pressure on a sensitive spot, but not any sort of burning sensation.

The first day, the whole process takes about 45 minutes with the angling, measuring, CAT scan, moving to another room, waiting for the program to give all the information needed for the treatment, and then treatment was three minutes. The second day, I went straight to the source room, had the measuring and angling, then had the treatment, so about 15 minutes all together. Not too bad.

It feels amazing to finally be finished. I have my follow up appointment in Seattle in October with a PET scan. I’m a little scared something will grow between now and then, but one cannot focus on that. I’m still trying to recover from chemo, my appetite is slowly coming back, but I’m still sensitive to certain foods and smells. I went to yoga on Tuesday which felt amazing, and tried to “run” a mile on Wednesday which was painful. Not sure how this half marathon in 3 weeks is going to go… Hopefully I can try another “run” this weekend. I use quotes, because honestly, it’s more a shuffle than an actual run.

It’s bittersweet celebrating this moment. We should be celebrating something else tomorrow instead. I’m trying to stay positive and not focus on my alternate reality, but it’s hard. It will continue to be hard. I’ve been dreading this weekend for months. I’m hoping if I surround myself with friends and keep myself busy, it will make it easier. I’m sure it won’t be though. I know the moment that silence hits or that I’m alone I’ll start crying. And that will be ok when that happens.

XOXO,

Gossett Girl

Chemo Day 6; Radiation Day 25

You guys. It’s official. I’m done with chemo and my daily drive to radiation! I would be celebrating more if chemo wasn’t having one last go at my stomach. I have two rounds of brachytherapy next week, and after that I’ll be completely finished with my treatment!

It’s been a very long six weeks filled with nausea and sleeping. Having our parents here really helped out with driving me every day and helping around the house. I haven’t had any energy to do anything. I can’t even muster up enough energy to feed the pets, but maybe part of that is hearing my mom feed the animals. I pretty much grew up without a pet, and seeing my parents with Fred makes me think we should have had an indoor dog. They spoil him like non-other. I cannot imagine what life will be like if we’re able to have our own child. She also coos over our persnickety kitty as well.

Our friends here have been amazing as well, dropping of dinner, driving me to Missoula. It’s been wonderful. I haven’t seen a lot of them in awhile, and I look forward to hanging out again. I’m hopeful that I can get through this weekend of sickness and then everything will be better. I am having some radiation side effects though, the kind that needs Immodium, not Docusate. Apparently that might stick around for awhile. I also need to wait a couple months and see if I go into pre-menopause thanks to the chemo. I guess I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but I am so happy I made it through chemo.

I hate chemo. I’m very lucky that I only had to be on Cisplatin, and not a combination of other drugs that could potentially send me to the ER, or cause my kidneys to not function properly making me miss a treatment. It was a rough six weeks, but it was only six weeks. I spoke to a few other patients during treatment, and they had all been going through this for a few years. Not everyone had weekly treatments like me, but theirs was ongoing, no real end in sight. I feel horrible for complaining when mine was short lived.

I asked my hematologist what would happen if the cancer came back and I had to go through this again.

“It won’t come back.”

My doctors are so certain that they got the cancer and I should be in the clear. I want to trust them, but it’s scary. What if a rogue cancer cell escaped and is ldormant until I have another hormone surge? I know I can’t think like that, but once you go through this, the idea lingers.

And with that, I’m spending one last couch-ridden weekend (from chemo at least, hopefully never from a hangover again…) stalking cruise forums to learn as much as I can about our upcoming cruise.

XOXO,

Gossett Girl

Chemo Day 5; Radiation Day 21

It’s the final week! Well ok, the final week of both chemo and radiation. Next week I’ll do two rounds of brachytherapy. I cannot wait to get my life back to normal, where I have a normal appetite and don’t spend the weekends sleeping.

It was great having my friend out this weekend, we watched some Harry Potter, marathoned House Hunters International, and Real Housewives. I slept more than I had hoped, and my appetite wasn’t great. I’ve been eating a lot of simple carbs and fruit.

My weight is still dropping a little, but nothing too drastic. I wouldn’t mind staying at this weight after treatment, but let’s be honest. As as soon as I get my normal appetite back, it’ll be fall and I’ll want to bake all the things and make delicious fall foods. I almost tried my wedding dress on last week, but I was too exhausted to try and take it out of the bag. Maybe this week?

Fingers crossed this week goes by quickly and my last round of chemo isn’t horrible!

XOXO,

Gossett Girl

Is chemo brain a thing?

I’m pretty sure it is. And Dr. Google apparently agrees. After my friend mix-up a couple of weeks ago, I knew my brain was pretty fuzzy. Fast-forward to Monday a couple of days later when I show up at my doctor’s office for an 8:45am appointment, just to find out my appointment was the following Monday. At 10am.

What is going on with my brain? Probably a combination of exhaustion, nausea, drugs, stress, life, and everything else. It’s frustrating to feel like you never know what’s going on anymore, but what can you do but laugh? Thankfully nobody got left at the airport, and I haven’t missed anything important, but I wonder if I should just carry a stack of Post-Its around to write notes to myself.

I can’t wait for this all to be over. Only 9 more days, but two more chemo treatments. I didn’t do so great after this last round, a lot of nausea and sleeping. I couldn’t even go with my father-in-law to the airport on Saturday because I was so tired. I ended up sleeping until 3pm.

I hope it’s better this weekend, my best friend is ACTUALLY coming into town (I have triple-checked the itinerary plus she texted a reminder) and it’s her first time visiting so I want to hang out! The wildfires have been horrible though, so the valley is filled with smoke. Just another reminder of why I can’t wait for fall!

And with chemo brain, I’m signing off.

XOXO,

Gossett Girl

Chemo Day 4; Radiation Day 14

Hello! Sorry I missed last week’s update. I was all set for my friend to fly out and come visit on Friday afternoon, when I received a text from a different friend Thursday evening saying she was on the plane and excited to see me soon.

Me: Wait, you’re not coming next weekend!?!?

Kim: No… I’m on the plane. What should I do?

Me: Stay on the plane! Obviously!

So even though I had just arrived home from radiation, Dan and I turned around to go back to Missoula. Apparently, I mixed-up weekends and my Friday friend wasn’t coming for two weeks! Can we blame chemo brain?

It was a fun weekend and I was so happy to see my sorority sister. I felt bad because I went to bed early on Friday, and took multiple naps on Saturday. I made up for it though by being DD for Beerfest that evening, and we floated the Bitterroot River with friends on Sunday.

Treatment continues to go well. I learned from my mistake of not eating that first round, and have been forcing myself to eat. This has helped immensely. I still have some nausea, but nothing like that first weekend. If you’re reading this and going through chemo: EAT. Eat whatever you can, whenever you can. Thank goodness it’s summer, because all I want is fruit. I eat cherries, grapes, watermelon, and pineapple. I eat white carbs when I can. If it sounds good, I eat it. Even if it’s not great (like a plate of nachos from a restaurant I was sooooo looking forward to), I eat as much as I can. Without a doubt this has saved me. Also the ginger tea my mom made, but… Eating is key.

On the other hand, I had been experiencing excruciating pain in my lower pelvic region, so Dr. Goff and Dr. Menendez ordered a CAT scan. And because I thought I was picking up my friend at 1pm on Friday, I agreed to the 6:30am scan, but at least I could get radiation directly after so we could head home after.

Friday morning we got up at 5am, then drove up for my CAT scan. They asked for my previous scans from UW which made me nervous, but they just wanted to compare. Jokes on them though as I’m missing a few organs now! Happily, my scan came back negative.

Less happily, the radiation machine was broken. Hours after trying, they called the maintenance guy, who was two hours away in Kalispell. Six hours and one nap later, I finally got my scan. I could have gone home and extended treatment by one day, but I was insistent on not having to make ANOTHER trip up for radiation.

For some reason this week, I was really dreading chemo. I don’t know why, but the idea of the Cisplatin dripping into my system really upset me. I don’t know if I’m scared of side effects or what, but I was like a toddler being told it was nap time. It actually felt like mile 20 of a marathon; I know the end is in sight, but I’m just so tired and want to sit down and have an ambulance take me in. Chemo was fine of course, the lab got blood on the first draw (first time), but the IV took two tries to get in (last week it was one try). She made it in the vein, but when she tried to thread it, my vein puffed up and said “Hellllll no.” It still is a little puffy.

I’m over halfway done with treatment though. Only two more rounds of chemo, 11 radiations, and two rounds of brachytherapy. Which is a whole other thing.

I should probably go to bed, but I feel a little amped up. I’m not sure if it’s the coffee ice cream I just had, or the steroids from treatment, but I’m just not tired. Hopefully once I lay down and play some Words With Friends and do some BuzzFeed quizzes I’ll pass out.

Cheers!

XOXO,

Gossett Girl